[He remembers that. A pit threatens to form back into his stomach at the thought. Sitting beside her in that cave had been heartbreaking in a way he didn't have words to describe, not at the time. She'd been trying to push him away, same as he can feel her trying to do now. then it had been physically, a complete cut off. Now it's their emotional connection, trying to cut off his feelings. His answer now is the same as it was then.]
So? I do anyway. Nothing you've ever said, nothing you've ever did has kept me from trusting you.
[He'd kept coming back, time and time again. He'd taken everything she had to throw at him and still kept finding himself in her room at night. Still watching her, still wanting her. Not even her attempt to break things off had been enough to stop them from falling back into orbit.
If she didn't want his trust, if some part of her didn't know how things would turn out, why would she let him back in? He had to believe that despite what she said, she knew him too well to believe it.]
And none of it was enough to stop this either. You can't stop me from wanting to be, you know, in love with you. That's my choice.
[He's right and that's what scares her. There have been times when they've fall apart and stranded away from each other, either because of their own foolishness or because of misfortunes that the universe kept throwing their way. But always they ended up finding each other again. Even when she had tried to sever their ties back in the cave in order to protect herself from this fear but still she hadn't hesitate to look out for him again. Guess she was already deeply addicted to him.
But there was still so much he didn't know. About her and what all she's done, which some she's sure will hurt him. Would he be able to withstand that hurt?]
For a very long time I've been in love... [She starts, her voice small and silent like a child who's afraid of dark. She keeps a silent break and closes her eyes. She can't be sure when was last time she had visited this memory this thoroughly. Usually just a thought of it alone was enough to bring up the wounds.] With someone else. He liked me, too. I think. But then he found out what happened with my daddy and. Well. It was enough to put him off. It's not very sexy thought is it? But in the end I'm sure that's not the only thing that went wrong. I just don't know if the problem was me being a man. Or that I was a girl.
[She pauses again. Her mind is weighted by the memory of cold, distant eyes and uneasy voice: "It's not your fault you're like this." Even still to this day, she's not sure what Paul had meant by it.]
[There's a moment when she starts that his heart stops. It's not out of fear or dread, but a stupid seed of hope. He knows better than to think she'd starting a story about him, that's not the tone of voice of someone taking about the present. Peter knows better about a lot of things. Setting himself up for disappointment is practically a second mutation.
At least he's quick enough to smooth out the frown before it's half formed.
He thinks about interrupting her, swearing that whatever guy she loved before was stupid to hurt her. That man couldn't understand what he's missing. He was worthless if he couldn't see she was worth staying for. But J's not looking for Peter's posturing. It's a serious, solemn thing she's after.]
You. I like you. It's not about any of that for me.
[If she'd been a guy, maybe he would have been more hesitant at first. But that would have been about him, his own insecurities of growing up in the 60s, already being someone that stuck out in middle class suburbia. Billy had disbursed those notions real quick. He'd still like to think, whether true or not, they'd still have ended up together after all that happened.]
You're not what happened to you, J. Or how you were born. I'm not, so why would you be? [He was the son of a terrorist, a mutant freak, an attempted murderer now. The past, genetics, it couldn't be all they were.] J, I'm not that other guy. I'm not leaving.
[Of course he'd say that. How foolish of her to think that it really mattered to him. But just how much that is actually from goodness of his heart, feelings of love or whatever he was sprouting now. And just how much of is that out from his ignorance. He possibly couldn't know what she's talking about.
But he understands, doesn't he? J remembers the anti-mutant posters from his world, the public hate and fear. It's been a long time since she's met someone else who knows the loneliness of survival. And for now, that's more than enough.
Slowly, she pulls back from their embrace but not far. Supporting her weight on her elbows she looms over him.]
Just when did you became like this? It almost makes me wonder if you've done something to real Peter. [She can remember how he had looked like back in the mess hall: nervous and burning red, barely able to look her in the eye and speak out word "kiss." Just when had he grew up to be so smart?
Then, after swallowing empty air she leans in little closer and whispers very quietly as if she was afraid of walls listening to their secret:]
[The momentary fear he has of her movement is assured when she speaks. If she's back to teasing him, things must be falling back into routine. Or maybe becoming better than before. There's nothing cruel in her voice, nothing mocking despite the words. As long as she remains fond, he can be at ease.]
Am I not real enough for you?
[He reaches a hand to touch her cheek, trace the curve down to her lips.]
A lot has changed since I got here. Maybe I did too.
[And maybe J, as well.
He's never heard her be so sentimental before, not where he is concerned and not about anyone else either. He's never heard her voice so soft. He's never heard her say something so sweet. And he knows there must have been a time in his life when he's felt so happy, but he's having a hard time remembering when.
Peter smiles at her like a man first seeing a sunrise, amazed in its presence.]
That's all I want. To make you happy. That's all.
[He won't press for anything more. This is enough. She's enough. Maybe that was the point of love, to make everything but another's happiness seem to meaningless.
He leans up to kiss her neck, her jawline, her cheek.]
[He is real. More real than anyone else she's met. This, the feelings of affection or love whatever has bloomed, is more real than what she's felt before. There had been few passing moments in the past between them when she's had quick taste of this. Back during their little secret picnic in the garden there had been a fleeting thought in the back of her mind telling her to let go of everything else and dive into this. Take a chance with him and have something real.
But then there had been a fight that ruined everything. And then they made up until the next sore issue was revealed. All according to their routine, just like now.
This is the second time the opportunity for something she's wanted, yet denied from herself, all her life. Only on a more trustworthy base than before. Peter's not only one finding the courage sparking in the darkness. Her free hand finds a way to rest on his shoulder, then moving up to back of his neck as her own lips touch the skin under his eye and temple.]
Does that make you happy?
[Probably unnecessary question at this point. But she needs to be sure about this. Whether they really are able to make each other happy.]
[He moves a hand through her hair, rubbing locks between his finger tips. She's always so soft, like the silk and velvet his mother kept in her closet. It betrayed how sharp she was underneath, hard as steel.
He touches the back of her shoulder as she kisses him, sighing softly. He nods slightly, nose grazing her cheek. He tilts his head further, kissing the corner of her mouth again and then again before he settles back against the mattress again.]
Yeah.
[His voice is low, the word rumbles out of his chest. The smile on Peter's face is small and soft, the look in his eyes saying he can't believe how lucky he is. He closes his eyes slowly, pulling her close.]
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no subject
So? I do anyway. Nothing you've ever said, nothing you've ever did has kept me from trusting you.
[He'd kept coming back, time and time again. He'd taken everything she had to throw at him and still kept finding himself in her room at night. Still watching her, still wanting her. Not even her attempt to break things off had been enough to stop them from falling back into orbit.
If she didn't want his trust, if some part of her didn't know how things would turn out, why would she let him back in? He had to believe that despite what she said, she knew him too well to believe it.]
And none of it was enough to stop this either. You can't stop me from wanting to be, you know, in love with you. That's my choice.
no subject
But there was still so much he didn't know. About her and what all she's done, which some she's sure will hurt him. Would he be able to withstand that hurt?]
For a very long time I've been in love... [She starts, her voice small and silent like a child who's afraid of dark. She keeps a silent break and closes her eyes. She can't be sure when was last time she had visited this memory this thoroughly. Usually just a thought of it alone was enough to bring up the wounds.] With someone else. He liked me, too. I think. But then he found out what happened with my daddy and. Well. It was enough to put him off. It's not very sexy thought is it? But in the end I'm sure that's not the only thing that went wrong. I just don't know if the problem was me being a man. Or that I was a girl.
[She pauses again. Her mind is weighted by the memory of cold, distant eyes and uneasy voice: "It's not your fault you're like this." Even still to this day, she's not sure what Paul had meant by it.]
Which one it's that you like?
no subject
At least he's quick enough to smooth out the frown before it's half formed.
He thinks about interrupting her, swearing that whatever guy she loved before was stupid to hurt her. That man couldn't understand what he's missing. He was worthless if he couldn't see she was worth staying for. But J's not looking for Peter's posturing. It's a serious, solemn thing she's after.]
You. I like you. It's not about any of that for me.
[If she'd been a guy, maybe he would have been more hesitant at first. But that would have been about him, his own insecurities of growing up in the 60s, already being someone that stuck out in middle class suburbia. Billy had disbursed those notions real quick. He'd still like to think, whether true or not, they'd still have ended up together after all that happened.]
You're not what happened to you, J. Or how you were born. I'm not, so why would you be? [He was the son of a terrorist, a mutant freak, an attempted murderer now. The past, genetics, it couldn't be all they were.] J, I'm not that other guy. I'm not leaving.
I'm terribly sorry for late reply!
But he understands, doesn't he? J remembers the anti-mutant posters from his world, the public hate and fear. It's been a long time since she's met someone else who knows the loneliness of survival. And for now, that's more than enough.
Slowly, she pulls back from their embrace but not far. Supporting her weight on her elbows she looms over him.]
Just when did you became like this? It almost makes me wonder if you've done something to real Peter. [She can remember how he had looked like back in the mess hall: nervous and burning red, barely able to look her in the eye and speak out word "kiss." Just when had he grew up to be so smart?
Then, after swallowing empty air she leans in little closer and whispers very quietly as if she was afraid of walls listening to their secret:]
You make me happy.
As am I!
Am I not real enough for you?
[He reaches a hand to touch her cheek, trace the curve down to her lips.]
A lot has changed since I got here. Maybe I did too.
[And maybe J, as well.
He's never heard her be so sentimental before, not where he is concerned and not about anyone else either. He's never heard her voice so soft. He's never heard her say something so sweet. And he knows there must have been a time in his life when he's felt so happy, but he's having a hard time remembering when.
Peter smiles at her like a man first seeing a sunrise, amazed in its presence.]
That's all I want. To make you happy. That's all.
[He won't press for anything more. This is enough. She's enough. Maybe that was the point of love, to make everything but another's happiness seem to meaningless.
He leans up to kiss her neck, her jawline, her cheek.]
Let me keep making you happy, then.
no subject
But then there had been a fight that ruined everything. And then they made up until the next sore issue was revealed. All according to their routine, just like now.
This is the second time the opportunity for something she's wanted, yet denied from herself, all her life. Only on a more trustworthy base than before. Peter's not only one finding the courage sparking in the darkness. Her free hand finds a way to rest on his shoulder, then moving up to back of his neck as her own lips touch the skin under his eye and temple.]
Does that make you happy?
[Probably unnecessary question at this point. But she needs to be sure about this. Whether they really are able to make each other happy.]
no subject
He touches the back of her shoulder as she kisses him, sighing softly. He nods slightly, nose grazing her cheek. He tilts his head further, kissing the corner of her mouth again and then again before he settles back against the mattress again.]
Yeah.
[His voice is low, the word rumbles out of his chest. The smile on Peter's face is small and soft, the look in his eyes saying he can't believe how lucky he is. He closes his eyes slowly, pulling her close.]
You make me happy.